Are You Playing the ‘Giving to Get’ Game in Relationships?
Is this you? Are you doing kind things over and over for others in order to get love?
This subconscious (and dysfunctional) relationship tactic might go something like: “If I give you this (or do this for you) then you’ll give me love (or treat me like I’m important/worthwhile).” And it’s destined for disaster.
Giving with an expectation of getting something in return is a common game we play on ourselves and in relationships.
Reciprocity (give and take) is built on the concept of mutuality; with both people participating. But when you’re playing the “giving to get” game, it’s far from mutual. The game is born out of a feeling of lack, and it ends in emotional pain. That lack is that you might feel needy, unimportant, not “good enough,” unlovable or unworthy exactly as you are.
In a “giving to get” cycle, one person ends up doing most of the giving, the niceties and forgiving while the other person is on the receiving end of all that kindness. Whether or not they asked for it.
In your mind you may think “they ought to love me, after all I’ve done.” You may not even know you do this, you may just wonder why you’ve ended up disappointed in relationships. “After all I’ve done for you, how can you treat me this way?”
May I gently remind you: it was your choice to do all that doing, no one made you do it. But the consequences remain that you may have given all of yourself to someone who wasn’t giving the same back.
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GMP Article “What You Need To Lose To Find Love”
Theresa Byrne says if you want love, substitute letting go for seeking.
I hesitate to write anything that starts with a title of “YOU NEED,” because I cringe at anyone telling others WHAT to do. I am not the boss of you. Nor do I want to be. I’m also not your mom. And yes, I know, my title may sound like that well-meaning friend who tells you their version of “The Way The World Is” over and over. For that I apologize.
But for this message, “What You Might Want to Think About …” and “Maybe Some Things That Are Getting In Your Way …” and “Here Are a Few Things That Hold Us Back From Finding Love In Our Lives” just wouldn’t cut it. I mean, after all, I’m writing about love. And an article about love needs to have a title that matches—or at least tries to match—the impact of the feeling. Keep Reading →
Does Your Breakup Have to Stay Angry?
I’d like to show you how to move past breakup anger and get on with your life.
When we date, we all start with hope.
We hope for an amazing relationship. We hope for a future filled with the best of both of us. We imagine all the fun and exciting things we’ll do. We hope things will work out and they’ll be our Plus One. We hope we’ve made a great choice and this is a relationship we can grow together in for the long haul. Possibly even leading to marriage, if that’s on the table. (And if it’s not a relationship that’s destined for marriage, then we hope for an amazing relationship all the same.)
There are many stages/types of relationships: there’s the Texting/Flirt stage. The Hook-Up; the “We’re Just Dating”/”One of Several” stage; the ‘Secretly’ Dating where you tell no one stage, the New Relationship, the Monogamous/Exclusive Relationship, the Boyfriend/Girlfriend, and the Partnership Track (living together, promised (is that still a thing?), engaged to be engaged, etc).
But what happens if/when it doesn’t work out? Keep Reading →
I’m asking you to look at failure as feedback and learn to embrace it.
Why is it that many of us go to great lengths to avoid making mistakes, being wrong, or admitting failure? Even typing the word failure was hard, and I instantly felt the need to justify what I mean by it. And I’m just typing it! Guess what—we all mess up. It’s true. At some point we will all experience failure but it doesn’t have to be devastating.
As a culture have we become personally ‘failure avoidant’? Risk adverse? Keep Reading →