What You Need To Lose to Find Love

GMP Article “What You Need To Lose To Find Love”

Theresa Byrne says if you want love, substitute letting go for seeking.

I hesitate to write anything that starts with a title of “YOU NEED,” because I cringe at anyone telling others WHAT to do. I am not the boss of you. Nor do I want to be. I’m also not your mom. And yes, I know, my title may sound like that well-meaning friend who tells you their version of “The Way The World Is” over and over. For that I apologize.

But for this message, “What You Might Want to Think About …” and “Maybe Some Things That Are Getting In Your Way …” and “Here Are a Few Things That Hold Us Back From Finding Love In Our Lives” just wouldn’t cut it. I mean, after all, I’m writing about love. And an article about love needs to have a title that matches—or at least tries to match—the impact of the feeling. 


I am not a guru with all the answers. But I am a human being who’s worked with other human beings professionally in human development/behavior and studied human potential since I was 13. I undertook that research in an effort to find that elusive feeling of “being loved,” and I learned more along the way than I have time to share here.
I am a human being who has worked with human beings for a long time professionally in human development and behavior and studied human potential since I was 13. I undertook that research in an effort to find that elusive feeling of “being loved.”
But I do want to share my most important, life-changing realization about the things we hold onto that prevent love from germinating and taking root. So here are the things you need to let go of if you want to experience and enjoy loving relationships.


Illusions – lists of The Perfect Person, because there’s no room in that list for the miracles that happen in the lines of those words. There was a terrific article I read once about “following your themes” and this epitomizes it. What are the important themes you want in another human being? What are the kinds of things you’d like your special someone to have? Those are the things to know. I’ve seen many people leave the quality of “funny” off their list. When they finally meet their person, they wonder how they could’ve never understood how much funny would help them through the difficult times. It’s something they can’t live without once they find it.
Any abusive relationships-–present or past. Relationships hold space; energy space or heart space or emotional space or whatever-you-want-to-call-it-space. Either these relationships are now or before now, but if it’s seeping into now it needs to be dealt with. Needs. If you need therapy to understand what role a past abusive relationship played in your life, or to see an energy worker who can clear emotional/energetic blocks, get EMDR, or to write a letter and burn it, do it. Do whatever you need to do to be able to let it go.
Giving To Get – Oh boy. This one should be its own article. “Giving to get” means the ways that you might by doing things to play nice/helpful/loving/giving/kind in order to get those things—or whatever it is you want—in return. Maybe you give them space, or are extra understanding when they’re upset. Or just really helpful. Here’s an example taken from my own life.
I was dating a really great guy that worked at a television station. Since he didn’t leave work until after the 10pm show, I would often pick up groceries for him. He never asked me to, he never wanted me to, and he was also quite capable of getting groceries on his own. In fact he LIKED getting groceries, he liked planning his healthy meals at the store, and he really didn’t NEED me getting him food or little snacks. Sure, he was pleasant every time I said, “Oh hey, I was at the store and got you that stuff you like…” but in all truth I was probably doing it for some deep-seated (or is it seeded?) need to be needed. A “seeded need to be needed.” For groceries. Yeah that would be–giving to get.

Unhealthy behaviors or habits (conscious) – If you know you are doing things that are not good for you, stop doing them. Find new patterns or new ways of doing things that are healthy. We often use “pattern interrupts” as coaches or healers trained in therapeutic modalities because they work. Cognitive Behavioral Training (CBT) is another excellent therapeutic practice to get you to stop. Just stop. If you already KNOW it’s not good for you, do I need to ask you why you’re doing it? Get any help you need.
Old beliefs or patterns – ‘love IS’ “men/women ARE” are certain restricting types of beliefs. If you aren’t sure if you have any of these, I’ll ask you a simple question. Right now, if I said to you, think about your answer to the question “What are women?” or “What are men?” what would all your answers sound like (not just the good ones)? Then if I asked you the same questions to “What is love? What is a relationship?” IF the majority of your answers are positive (to you), then you’re probably fine. But if you find that you have energetic blocks like “Women are users” or “Men are cheaters” and “Love is pain” (thank you Princess Bride), or “Relationships suck” then you may need to clear some of that out.

Look, I’m clear that you don’t really NEED to do anything to find love. You are love. That’s the real truth. And while I hope that you find the world’s most perfect person (or persons), this will help you be an amazing partner.

So instead of looking for love, I ask that you let go of these things. Letting go of them clears up the space in your heart for true and lasting love—the kind of love you deserve.

Photo—Niclas Rhein/Flickr

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