Attention People Pleasers: 6 Rules for Your Sanity

If you fall into the category of people who drive themselves nuts by trying to constantly make others happy: PLEASE read on.

(Or don’t if you just don’t want to. I depise those things telling me I MUST follow this person or read this email or I’ll die or be disappointed for the rest of my life. If you don’t want to read this, I’ll be ok either way; but these rules have helped others and may offer some insight).

To any People Pleasers in the house: you’ve got my empathy! YES, it’s great to make others happy and feel good. It brings us joy. And yes, being kind is a wonderful thing, the world needs more of it. Many of us love seeing the look of pleasure on someone else’s face and like knowing we helped to put it there.
But there are rules. Limits. Boundaries. You can’t do it all the time and it can’t be your only focus. It will wear you down, exhaust you, and eventually you can end up overwhelmed, tired, and worn out.

That’s why boundaries are so very very important; and here I called them “Rules”. They can be limits, stops, or lines you create for yourself but they’re all boundaries.

Here are some of the hard and fast rules I train people on:
Rule: Don’t please others in ways that cost you.
Rule: Make sure you have the room to ask for what you want, not just focus on what someone else wants.
Rule: Self care isn’t selfish.
Rule: Be mindful of giving to others when you don’t have enough for yourself.
Rule: Never place the value of someone else’s good opinion or attention above your own.
Rule: If you’re afraid to speak your mind, pay attention. (P.S. There’s a way to do it gracefully).

If you are a reforming (or reformed) People Pleaser, know that you can change. You can learn how to take care of yourself AND also do kind things for others, when it works for you. The energy is different. NO longer will you give when you’re not filled up; you’ll be able to recognize when it’s time for you to give yourself a Time-Out and recharge BEFORE you say “Yes, I’ll do that.” Just to make someone else happy. There are no medals for martyrs due to exhaustion.

You got this. You can do it. I know you can.

 

You Screwed Up, You’re Sorry, Now What?

You Screwed Up, You’re Sorry, Now What? Original content

It happens. We all do it. We all make mistakes and someone else gets hurt. Theresa Byrne offers men tips on how to apologize and get back to the love.

I’m like a 911 coach: I’m the one that loves helping or finding clarity for people in emergency emotional situations. I often counsel women when they’re hurting, or help men attempt to figure out how to explain a bad situation or apologize when he hurts the one he loves. It’s tough to explain things when you’re afraid the person you love may never forgive you.

I’m not talking something that has endangered them, created trauma, or has broken a cardinal rule that they hold dear. If you’ve cheated then that will take a lot more healing and discussions to try to pull things back together.

This is for the “I messed up and I need help” kind of mistakes. I understand, it gets complicated. It’s disempowering on both sides when someone messes up. There should be lessons on this in high school. Heck even junior high.

In an effort to help men find the right words, and for two people who love each other to move past the hurt, I see a need for loving apology strategy. Can we apologize in a way that makes the other person feel valued? Feel heard? And gives them the time they need to let go of the pain? Keep Reading →

7 Steps To Becoming Your Own Guru

7 Steps to Becoming Your Own Guru

I finally found her groove when she started looking for advice inside instead of everywhere else.
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After having spent most of my twenties on self-help “research” and thousands of dollars seeking advice on the best decisions to make in my life, I’d become a glorified junkie.

It hit me. I was an addict.

My drug of choice? Advice.

Coaching. Advice. Solutions. Sessions. Intuitive “hits.” Self-help that was everything but!  Keep Reading →

What Can You Stop Doing to Start Being Successful?

What Can You Stop Doing to Start Being Successful-Happy-Peaceful?

Theresa Byrne wants to remove all the blocks that are holding you back from enjoying life. Let her have at it.
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Here’s a crazy thought …. What if what we stop doing is more important than what we start doing?

Crazy, right? Or maybe, just maybe … not so crazy at all.

Maybe we don’t need to add any more to our already full plates. Maybe what we’re doing is enough–even too much. Maybe we’re enough–more than enough. And maybe we just need to stop the madness of excess busyness and striving for overachievement.

Many of us are coached and trained and taught and pushed and rewarded for all we accomplish.
Many of us are coached and trained and taught and pushed and rewarded for all we accomplish. We are told about all the things we need to pick up, to start, to learn, to begin, to take on, to change, to research, to incorporate. And though few of us will admit it, that list itself is almost overwhelming. Just pick up the latest top-selling books or magazines on success, and you’ll find tips on all the things you need to start doing. I’ve been an entrepreneur and a “do-er” since 2001. Even my bio has a bio. And after a while, I found myself exhausted.

So I’m asking you to consider this … maybe we just need to stop.

When things went wonky with my head injury, I didn’t have enough time, energy, or brain power to do all the things I used to do. It just wasn’t possible. Not only did I lack the memory, focus, and attention, but I was also tired out just trying to create new neural pathways (it’s like a brain marathon). My brain used to be My Thing: the asset I could always fall back on no matter what. After it was damaged, I didn’t know what to do. I was used to intensely pushing through things; putting in all my effort to achieve a goal and now there was nothing I could do except go at the pace my brain could handle. In fact, my efforting was hurting my recovery.

So in a way, I was forced to slow down, even stop. And that’s when I realized: I needed to stop. And beyond that, stopping was not a bad thing. Stopping was a gift.

This was my blessing. I was stopped from my constant need to do stuff; even the good stuff like teach, help others, coach, lead workshops, create programs, etc. I was spinning my wheels and going nowhere fast.
Has that ever happened to you? Where what looked like a difficulty was actually a blessing in disguise? This was my blessing. I was stopped from my constant need to do stuff; even the good stuff like teach, help others, coach, lead workshops, create programs, etc. I was spinning my wheels and going nowhere fast.

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It made me start thinking about all the things it would make sense to stop doing. Judging. Comparing. Complaining. Worrying about what could happen. Or what others might think. Stop having to explain myself. Stop creating endless lists of things I needed to accomplish. Ultimately, I was forced to create stronger boundaries with myself. This is why I love boundaries: they help me stay me by keeping me sane.

The sense of freedom I got from these new boundaries was intense, and soon my “not-to-do” list started growing by leaps and bounds. What else could I stop doing that would add ease to my life? I only had so much energy, what else could I add to my list?

What would you put on your Stop Doing List?

I could stop chasing shiny objects in my business (which for me were webinars in Internet Marketing).
Stop looking for the next big thing (again, in Internet Marketing).
I’d have to let go and stop living in the past of what I used to be able to do.
Stop letting anything come in front of my healing/self-care.
Stop “constant striving and pushing to get to a future and just relax into now,” as success coach Chris Natzke would say.
Stop over-analyzing or ‘cogitating’ on things.
Stop worrying about what I didn’t get done.
Stop getting stuck in Advice Paradise.
Stop sabotaging myself with overload and confusion. Take things one step at a time.
Stop patterns that I don’t like or that didn’t work. Get clear on what they are.
Stop getting involved in dramas, either self-created or someone else’s even as a coach. (Ahem, BOUNDARIES).
Stop spending precious time on silly things. I get to decide which things are “silly”and which are important.
Stop subscribing to email lists because I’m “going to read them someday” for research. I’ll keep the ones I really like.
Stop doing things that just keep me busy instead of things that actually help my business.
Stop feeling obligated to ever say “yes” and guilty for ever saying “no.”
Stop doing things that don’t work (distractions or time sucks).
To reach the highest and best for our souls, it’s not about doing more. It’s not about learning more. It’s not about what we’re doing. It’s about what we can stop doing.
To reach the highest and best for our souls, it’s not about doing more. It’s not about learning more. It’s not about what we’re doing. It’s about what we can stop doing.

Maybe, just maybe it’s about what we are doing with the energy we have, and where we’re directing it. And when we stop wasting it, we can have more energy. More peace. More satisfaction.

Think about it. What are you willing to STOP doing?

(I asked this question on a Facebook post and got some pretty amazing responses! Since I believe we all learn from each other, I asked if I could share them here.)

Alison Tedford, who is a fellow writer: “(I stopped) being afraid to pitch bigger interviews. I pitched Mrs. Universe and I pitched an Olympic fencing team member today.”

Gina Losasso: “I make a “NOT-To-Do” in addition to my “To-Do” list.”

Mark Hoover quoted Jeff Foster: “True healing
is not the fixing of the broken,
but the rediscovery
of the Unbroken.”

Bam.

What are you going to stop doing today?

Photo—The U.S. Army/Flickr